It’s the year eighteen-ten little Becka and young George are fighting the daily snow on there way to the mines, meanwhile Mama’s at home sick with a fever, and papa just died last winter from an infection he got while peeling potatoes. This may seem like a distant lifestyle with the advancement of technology and science, these days you don’t often hear of people dying from infections nor does the common cold affect them to the same degree, but there is one thing that hasn’t changed…. The Mines.
President Donald. Trump’s new policy that was recently passed by congress, aims to fix the U.S debt and in a shocking way. All children above the age of eleven will now be required to drop out of school and work the mines with their parents. To reduce costs and increase the speed in which the U.S debt is fixed, children and adults working the mines will camp out in the mines until the U.S. debt is fully paid. The Trump administration has commented on numerous questions asked by reporters, one of which was; What supplies would anyone working the mines expect to get? In which Mike pence replied, “ We will supply the workers generously. Every worker should expect to get a stick with a sharp rock duct taped to the end of it. Okay no further questions, no more questions, seriously stop.” What Vice president Pence failed to mention was the system that would be implemented in order to feed the workers, who have no access to the outside world. Again to cut on spending the Trump administration has set up a system to account for the caloric intake requirements of its workers; It goes as following, the expected caloric intake for a worker of the mines( We weren’t allowed to call them miners because people who sexually identify as miners, found this offensive), would be set at 2,750 calories. Workers will be given food equal to 2,500 calories, and when the Us debt is 90% gone that’s when spending for food will be depleted; workers of the mine will be expected to eat their children and their neighbors children in order to survive long enough to get rid of the last 10%. If the children are not enough, workers will be expected to eat the weakest of each other. Some may say this is not humane but we here at Fox news, approve wholeheartedly of this new policy, and who really cares about poor people anyway, maybe they should of just asked their fathers for money, it’s really that simple. In the coming weeks the Trump administration plans on moving forward with other amazing ideas; to better the U.S. They are the following, Throw all pet Cats into an incinerator and give the owners pet rocks in order to conserve water (Backed and funded by PETA) , Hire a mob of raccoons to rob Canada to improve yearly GDP, and lastly try to sell Alaska back to the Russians, but put lube everywhere so they can’t build anything on it.
Solar energy, wind energy, geothermal energy….. These are all things of yesterday, Tesla founder Elon Musk has unveiled the twenty twenty Model K. With features topping all previous vehicles as well as sixty miles extended battery life, this is nothing in comparison to the revolutionary new power source that may have been started at Tesla, but may very likely be used in technology for Space X. As we all know by now, Space X plans on sending a crew to mars by 2022, that may come sooner than you think. With Kyle powered technology, we may be there in as little as 2 years. Engineers have already started working on solutions related to carrying tons of drywall across space in a metal pringles can. Elon Musk has made an announcement that One Kyle can power a Tesla vehicle for three days and based on mathematical equations, it may take around three hundred kyle’s to get a ship to Mars. We talked with an employee at Space X and this is what they she had to say… “This is great news, not only for the future of mankind but for all Kyle’s, my son Kyle in particular spends a lot of his time playing with his Monster energy drink necklace made up entirely of the cans tabs, as well as telling me how much he doesn’t care about things; Now he can be of use to society, and God knows he might go to Mars.”
A few moments after the interview Her son Kyle was spotted launching his fist into a soda machine for dispensing a Rock star instead of a Monster.
Michael G. Williams; a name common in households around Greenwich university. A smiling face and a friend of the students, until now. He may have seemed to be a regular person with regular interests, and even participated in fund raisers and was known for often volunteering on his spare time. Michael G. Williams was a beloved character until allegations of self rape started to spread around school, at first only a rumor, and the rumors continued on, and on, until some evidence was released. A student who wishes to remain undisclosed had this statement to make…
“ I was walking to his office to get my chem grade fixed, cause it’s total bullshit that I got a D, everybody knows I’m smarter than that And Mrs. Richardson is a total fat bitch and takers her anger out on me because I’m beautiful, and everything she wanted to be when she was my age. Like god…. So I’m at the door to his office and I hear moaning, so I get closer and I put my ear against the door and I knew it was definitely Mr. Williams. I opened the door and there, and his gross ass was choking himself with his belt while jerking off. I can’t believe he would do that to himself, can you imagine harassing your body like that, like no way. “
Moments before Dean Williams was forced to resign students built up the courage to leave their safe spaces, and in an act of braveness started tweeting. That same night students who had been sexually assaulted by themselves met up and shared their stories. In tears they bonded and a sigh of relief was had after Dean Williams resigned, this was his final statement, “ Students I apologize for my behavior no person should have to go through the pain and suffering that is rape, especially when you’re the victim and the perpetrator, before I leave I have a punishment set up for me as an extra sorry to the trouble I have caused all you.” Moments after the speech Dean Williams got on his knees, sat on his heels, and students lined up to take turns choking him.
It was a typical Monday morning for most people, except for the locals of Stockton when they heard gun fire go off outside of their neighborhood Dunkin donuts. Bystanders were in shock when they proceeded to go outside and found a black cardboard cutout holding a sign filled with bullet holes. One of the officers was quoted as saying, “I saw him reaching for something.” and another quoted as saying, “Sir stop resisting!” Our field anchor Robert Dingle wood, spoke with the owner of Ace’s tough hardware, and he had the following to say, “ This is the third time this year, this has happened. First they tried accusing me of being an accomplice of robbery and then tried arresting Jimmy, which is what I call my silhouette cut out, up front. They tried cuffing him, but he wouldn’t fit in the cuffs…. He’s a Goddamn piece of cardboard for f**** sake!” Here’s what Chief of the police had to say about the situation… ” Rest assured, knowing that proper action has been taken to punish the officers involved. Officer Valadez has been sent home on paid leave for his actions. Officer Rodgers has been sent to a different city with only a slight pay increase to deter him from committing such atrocities again. “