Tag Archives: humour

New Tesla vehicle to be powered entirely by kids named Kyle punching holes into drywall.

Solar energy, wind energy, geothermal energy….. These are all things of yesterday, Tesla founder Elon Musk has unveiled the twenty twenty Model K. With features topping all previous vehicles as well as sixty miles extended battery life, this is nothing in comparison to the revolutionary new power source that may have been started at Tesla, but may very likely be used in technology for Space X. As we all know by now, Space X plans on sending a crew to mars by 2022, that may come sooner than you think. With Kyle powered technology, we may be there in as little as 2 years. Engineers have already started working on solutions related to carrying tons of drywall across space in a metal pringles can. Elon Musk has made an announcement that One Kyle can power a Tesla vehicle for three days and based on mathematical equations, it may take around three hundred kyle’s to get a ship to Mars. We talked with an employee at Space X and this is what they she had to say… “This is great news, not only for the future of mankind but for all Kyle’s, my son Kyle in particular spends a lot of his time playing with his Monster energy drink necklace made up entirely of the cans tabs, as well as telling me how much he doesn’t care about things; Now he can be of use to society, and God knows he might go to Mars.” 

A few moments after the interview Her son Kyle was spotted launching his fist into a soda machine for dispensing a Rock star instead of a Monster. 

University Dean forced to resign after allegations of self rape turn out to be True

Michael G. Williams; a name common in households around Greenwich university. A smiling face and a friend of the students, until now. He may have seemed to be a regular person with regular interests, and even participated in fund raisers and was known for often volunteering on his spare time. Michael G. Williams was a beloved character until allegations of self rape started to spread around school, at first only a rumor, and the rumors continued on, and on, until some evidence was released. A student who wishes to remain undisclosed had this statement to make…

“ I was walking to his office to get my chem grade fixed, cause it’s total bullshit that I got a D, everybody knows I’m smarter than that And Mrs. Richardson is a total fat bitch and takers her anger out on me because I’m beautiful, and everything she wanted to be when she was my age. Like god…. So I’m at the door to his office and I hear moaning, so I get closer and I put my ear against the door and I knew it was definitely Mr. Williams. I opened the door and there, and his gross ass was choking himself with his belt while jerking off. I can’t believe he would do that to himself, can you imagine harassing your body like that, like no way. “

 Moments before Dean Williams was forced to resign students built up the courage to leave their safe spaces, and in an act of braveness started tweeting. That same night students who had been sexually assaulted by themselves met up and shared their stories. In tears they bonded and a sigh of relief was had after Dean Williams resigned, this was his final statement, “ Students I apologize for my behavior no person should have to go through the pain and suffering that is rape, especially when you’re the victim and the perpetrator, before I leave I have a punishment set up for me as an extra sorry to the trouble I have caused all you.” Moments after the speech Dean Williams got on his knees, sat on his heels, and students lined up to take turns choking him.                         

Hardware store owner infuriated after black silhouette holding store sign, was repeatedly shot by police officers.

It was a typical Monday morning for most people, except for the locals of Stockton when they heard gun fire go off outside of their neighborhood Dunkin donuts. Bystanders were in shock when they proceeded to go outside and found a black cardboard cutout holding a sign filled with bullet holes. One of the officers was quoted as saying, “I saw him reaching for something.” and another quoted as saying, “Sir stop resisting!” Our field anchor Robert Dingle wood, spoke with the owner of Ace’s tough hardware, and he had the following to say, “ This is the third time this year, this has happened. First they tried accusing me of being an accomplice of robbery and then tried arresting Jimmy, which is what I call my silhouette cut out, up front. They tried cuffing him, but he wouldn’t fit in the cuffs…. He’s a Goddamn piece of cardboard for f**** sake!” Here’s what Chief of the police had to say about the situation… ” Rest assured, knowing that proper action has been taken to punish the officers involved. Officer Valadez has been sent home on paid leave for his actions. Officer Rodgers has been sent to a different city with only a slight pay increase to deter him from committing such atrocities again. “